I had no clues about looking at how to sustain my sexuality/life energy. That remained the case, even as i got older, it’s just that i formed a management system that enabled me to look like i knew something about sex or sexuality. On this basis I held onto a bit of confidence and could show this to some degree in the world.
But I have always felt very sexual, I have had (in comparison to what I was shown and read externally) unusually sexual and lustful feelings around things that I thought or “knew” that I shouldn’t. I had them but did not want to portray them, wouldn’t that mean that i was “slutty” “trashy” ignorant. If I was intelligent and on to it for instance wouldn’t my rational and moral intelligence disperse these more lustful and animal feelings of sexual urges? I did not know, and I could not talk to anyone that would give me an honest and straight answer.
I guess secretly I wanted to know that others felt the same but people were too busy trying to maintain their own management system to get straight and honest about their sex or sexuality. To be animal or to be primal was never something that anyone ever promoted as humanly acceptable. If those words came up, they were associated with dirty, feral, unkept, unrefined, unhealthy, mentally unstable, shocking and dangerous. They were words to be found in the underground, but by that time you also had to deal with alot of hidden agendas and suppressed energy. Therefore they were words I kept clear of and as a result avoided any act or feeling (at least openly) that could be associated with these words.